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It’s Called Polyamory

Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships
Publication Date: October 6, 2017

Foreword by Kendra Holliday

The time has come to tell your friends and family about your preference for nonmonogamy. You’re on the cusp of self-liberation—so why does it feel so daunting, or even scary, like you’re about to confess to some sinister transgression? This is normal. You are not alone. Even in progressive families and communities, people who practice nonmonogamy are susceptible to misinformation and accusations of moral and emotional failings. Facing this requires its own coming out and education process.

Let this book be your roadmap for explaining the expansive intricacies of the consensual nonmonogamy spectrum. Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles fuse personal experience and community research to break down the various incarnations of polyamorous relationship structures, the intersections of polyamory with race and gender, and the seemingly esoteric jargon of the lifestyle. If you absolutely have to explain what a “unicorn hunter” is to your auntie, Tamara has you covered.

“Can poly people raise children? Can they live normal, healthy lives?” Such questions, grounded in myths typical of those faced by sexual minorities, are eloquently answered, and the real dangers of being out as poly in a monogamy-centered society are frankly laid bare.

No matter the conversation you’re going in, It’s Called Polyamory helps you come out confident.

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  • “For the increasing numbers of people who choose to explore a relationship style other than monogamy, the number of choices and options can be bewildering. It’s Called ‘Polyamory’ breaks down these many options into understandable concepts and helps people chose which one fits best. Tamara Pincus explores aspects rarely discussed, especially how to come out as nonmonogamous, a challenging area often neglected in many similar works. This book is a necessary addition to every polyamorist’s bookshelf.”

    —David Ley, PhD, Author of Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure

  • “Something critical about my work is the sharing of true stories. Polyamorous folks don’t have a culture full of positive role models. We’re making it up as we go along. So, every story is valuable to those of us still trying to navigate our unique landscape. That makes It’s Called ‘Polyamory’ something like an atlas for routes out of the closet.”

    —Kevin Patterson, creator of the Poly Role Models blog, author of Love’s Not Colorblind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous Communities

  • “This book offers a grounded, balanced explanation of the positive and negative issues to consider when coming out as polyamorous in a variety of common situations: to partners, family, kids, friends, work and school. The introduction and conclusion provide a useful explanation of the social and legal issues facing nonmonogamous people and what can happen after coming out. I recommend this book as a must-read to closeted polyamorous people and to their monogamous friends and family who will find a clear, low-drama explanation of a different way of living and loving.”

    —Juliette Siegfried, MPH, teacher and facilitator, Leiden, Netherlands, Open Relationships Meetup

  • “This book is a gem! It’s an intersectional and accessible guide through the daunting process of coming out as polyamorous to friends, family, coworkers and school mates. It anticipates every possible reaction and pitfall from everyone involved in the process and is laced with real life vignettes from experienced polyamorous people. The authors share their wealth of experience in an easy to follow and entertaining way and it concludes with a comprehensive section on how to find your community and why that support is important during this transitional period. This was an excellent read and an invaluable resource to our non-monogamous community! I highly recommend it if you or a loved one is considering coming out to your various communities.”

    —Chrissy Raymond Holman, President of Open Love NY

  • “Tamara Pincus accomplishes fulfilling the need for consideration of the interplay of culture and polyamory. She goes beyond the superficial application of intersectionality and systemically analyzes the implications of coming out. Tamara Pincus sets herself apart from other authors by approaching the topic with purpose and intention.”

    —Ruby Bouie Johnson, sexuality educator and counselor, clinical social worker, and creator of the BlackSexGeek Blog

  • “Hiles and Pincus set themselves and this book apart from so many others. They open a nonjudgmental, accepting space for careful consideration of a way of forming family, a way of living with that choice, sharing that choice with friends and families, and navigating the relationships themselves. It’s a must-read for anyone who works with, wants to understand, or is involved with this family choice.”

    —Ricci Joy Levy, president & CEO, Woodhull Freedom Foundation

  • “Doing poly, holding poly space in the world, is hard work, often thankless. Thanks to this wonderful resource, it’s now a lot easier.”

    —Loraine Hutchins, co-editor, Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out

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